Relationships: John Gottman's Four Horsemen

John Gottman is a Professor of Psychology at the University of Washington known for his work on marital stability. By observing couples' emotions and micro-expressions he has been able to predict with 90% accuracy which couples will remain married and which will divorce four to six years later.

Gottman has determined there are four destructive elements that can lead to relationship failure. He calls them The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and they are:
Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness & Stonewalling

1. Criticism
Criticisms often start with: “you always…” “you never…”“you’re the type of person who …” “why are you so …” A criticism differs from a complaint in that a complaint is about something specific & a criticism is a generalization about a person's character. A complaint says "I don't like that you did this"; a criticism says "I don't like who you are".
2. Contempt:
When we communicate with contempt we are being disrespectful or mean; often using sarcasm, mockery, insults, ridicule, &/or eye rolling.
3. Defensiveness:
Protecting yourself from a perceived attack without actually listening to what your partner has said. Making excuses, cross-complaining, yes-butting & seeing yourself as the victim.
4. Stonewalling:
Withdrawing and shutting down as a means to avoid conflict. This creates distance and separation.


Also, for some proactive ideas David Parkinson's most recent post points towards some principles we might adopt when trying to get something good happening with a group of people.

Community+Coversation+Love

"Life's meaning emerges from conversation in community with people you love."
"When there is love, conversation has purpose, context, engagement, trust (while, without love, conversation is sterile and selfish)."
"The best conversations are a form of 'making love' -- empathetic, collaborative, even erotic."
"The best conversations are also polyamorous (all participants love and trust each other) -- this provides safety from hurt and cruelty, and this safety encourages openness, honesty, courage, and true innovation." (1)

"In a completely generous and genuine natural community that is emotionally healthy, where everyone loves everyone else and love is abundant not scarce, love pervades everything and is demonstrated in cooperative work, in conversation, in art and science endeavours, in discovery and imagination, and in sensory and sexual exploration of others in the community. There are no exclusive pairings, because there is no need for them. Physical and sexual caresses may be frequent, but they are also fun, casual and pleasurable, and never possessive. They are just another way of saying 'I love you'." (2)

"I think the difference between a polyamorous community and a group of promiscuous people is an important one. Commitment to community should be a deep commitment, and if a member is unable to fulfill their desires for love within the community, that suggests either the member lacks commitment or the community lacks members with certain needed qualities that would allow the member to find what s/he loves within it." (3)